I have no problem being open and honest. That’s what Mutha Lovin’ Autism has always been about. Throughout these last few years, there have been things I’ve kept hidden though. I’ve honestly kept them hidden my entire life. When I was very young, I became…curious…about sexual things. I’m a sexual person. I think some of us just are, and it’s there young. I experimented. Nothing TOO major…but as the years went on, the experimenting became more intense, and it caused tension in some of my friendships. It caused confusion and depression for me. It caused me to be a victim of bullying. I would say a fair deal of this turmoil was brought about by the fact that I was a young Christian girl, attending a small, Christian school, and the people who I experimented with happened to be girls. Now…on the outside, quite young, I showed interest in boys. I had “boyfriends”. We “went together”. I dug dudes. They were my best friends…but when the first one put his arm around me, I felt nauseated. I was so confused and angry. At that time, I had been experimenting with females for a few years. I didn’t understand anything that was going on in my head and heart. I hurt his feelings. He never tried anything again. We remained great friends. Just…really great friends.
Over the years, I continued dating guys in the open and having flings with females on the side. Never once did I think of myself as a lesbian. I just thought of myself as disgusting and trash. Early on, I was the victim of molestation. My first sexual encounter was unwanted and traumatic for reasons I won’t share. It causes my family pain to this day. I was molested or “bothered” four more times by four separate people. I was raped once. By a friend. To say I was and have been confused and burying a lot is an understatement. It was THE disease eating up my happiness like a cancer. I refused to get help. I refused to face anything. I couldn’t. I didn’t even know how to start.
Something happened that changed all of that. I had reason to come forward about my abuse. And I did. And I lost half of my family. It was hard at first, but it’s gotten much easier. I’m proud I finally spoke out. Maybe it’ll keep someone else safe. A few years passed, and I was getting stronger…but there was more to deal with. I was speaking to the world about honesty and transparency and yet, every day, I stared in the mirror and couldn’t tell myself the truth of who I am. I couldn’t tell my husband, because I hadn’t even told myself.
I knew in my heart that it was the final piece to my puzzle. The one that would make the other random, ill-fitting pieces finally make sense. I also knew I had to tell my husband. I guess it’s not enough to find out your wife is autistic. Mine gets to find out that his is sexually different from what she portrayed herself to be. Some may think that’s every man’s fantasy, in real life, it’s a bit more complicated than that. Our story is our story, and our private, intimate details are just that. I will say that it’s taken a lot of talking, a lot of tears, a lot of embarrassment, and a lot of understanding to bring us to the place we are. It’s not been easy, but it feels…right. I love my husband. I desire my husband. That’s all anyone really needs to know. The rest is ours to hold onto.
What I will say is this…I didn’t choose this. I didn’t ask for this. I didn’t want this. I begged God almighty to take it from me, and while I trust in Him and all He’s capable of, He hasn’t taken it away. It is as much a part of who I am as anything else. And I’m alright. I’m more than alright. I’m loved by my husband and my God. I’m safe. I’m happy. I’m healing.
I also happen to be gender fluid and pansexual.